Sunday, August 7, 2011
this summer was the perfect length.
diminish the wrongs and had enough time to build up the rights.
atleast inside of the left side of my mind.
schools going to be perfect to build up my right side,
work on my dreams.
im so fucking happy. I really could not say that before.
I could say i felt happy, for periods of time. like a night.
with happiness amplifiers involved-- :/
i cant even focus on my topic i want to sort in my head
because of that dumb ass face book post i saw you said.
a few months ago i handled my shit so sloppy.
maybe i should have ended things sooner,
if i knew this would have happened..
and maybe i am aware that you still might read this blog.
and if you are leaving hints behind on your shit that might somehow get to me,
then heres my trail that might get back to you.
i guess i cant say sorry enough, and i guess we cant be friends.
nothing will be the same.
--this isnt a letter to you tho. im just leaving this down to be said.
I dont want negative vibes or feelings.
and maybe i did start it,
and if possible for me to end it, i want to leave an impression of a once love.
not possible unless forgivness is invloved, and i know there cant be that either.
things are not ever going to be the same.
this summer that did sink in for me.
but because i cant change the way i created all this to happen-- well fuck,
i knew what I wanted but didnt know the steps to take to get there,
but because i know not of anything that isnt myself, and not dealing with this before--
fuck, i dont even feel like i even need to explain myself.
i am happy and i am moving foward. this is how I should have built my life.
no lying to my family, no bruising my organs, try to live my life as long as i can.
the ride to where i am was awesome, and i loved every moment, but if i knew it would leave me so physically broken. in that sence it was not worth it.
but i probabaly wouldnt feel this way if i could handle my shit.
but i know i cant so i had to move in a different direction, the best way is to cut ties to avoid temptation.
you offered to give it all up for me, but i know you cant. and i couldnt ask that of you.
and looking down the line i didnt see the dreams i had being put into play in a life further involving a "us".
knowing of all i wanted, what you wanted. what we could accomplish together.
the pieces didnt fit.
i needed, what i have now.
it was perfect timing, its cosmic, he was what i needed. i couldnt wait to start a life with him.
i want to keep listing all the reason why i am in love
but they are reasons not to be shared with just anyone.
reasons that i keep in my head and flows in my broken down heart that keeps me smiling.
I see a future, and so does he...
i finally have my head on straight.